Expectations versus Reality

I went to see the movie "(500) Days of Summer" last Friday. I loved that movie – it is great on so many levels, it's hard to pick a single element that made it work for me. The devices the director used to show the movement of time, the acting, the staging, the costuming and the visuals all worked together in a manner not often seen in a "date" movie. More importantly, the boy doesn't get the girl he pines for. One of the devices that the director uses that really struck me, however, was a split screen effect. On the left, we have the hero's expectations of the progression of the evening's events. On the right, we have the reality of his experience. The left is advanced by several seconds so we can experience his heartbreak and disappointment along with him as he realizes his reality isn't what he dreamed would happen.

This really hit me. How many times have we allowed ourselves to become angry because someone or something outside of our control does not live up to our expectations? How many times do we find ourselves criticizing others or simply yelling at them because they disappointed us? Whose fault is it, anyway?

I used to dread vacations with my husband and family. Invariably, he would be uptight, argumentative and angry as we traveled, yell for the first 24 hours after we arrived, then be irritable for the rest of the time, until the yelling started again for the remaining 24 hours. The trip home would be marked by my exhaustion and inability to deal with his temper, and keeping the kids out of sight as much as possible. During a marriage counseling session, we discussed this. Aside from the fact that he was horrified that I perceived his behavior in this way (I was a bit brutal in my honesty), he realized that he was causing his problem.

What was the problem? No experience he had, ever, on a vacation, met his expectations. So, he would be angry and frustrated that everyone wasn't having fun, or that things weren't simply falling into place. To complicate matters, he worried incessantly that something, anything, would go wrong in our travels, so he would work himself into a frenzy over airports, flights, and rental car returns. We bore the brunt of his fear, anxiety and worry. On the other hand, he had no idea that he was doing this to his family. He just saw that we were miserable, which made him even more angry. Sounds like fun, don't you think? The worst part, in my opinion, was that he had no idea how much he was hurting us in the process.

How often does this pattern play out in your life? When you go to the store, intent upon spending money on something, and you are ignored by salespeople, how do you react? When your significant other is joining you for a romantic dinner, and is distracted because their boss made their day utterly miserable, how do you react? When you make plans to speak with someone on the phone, and something occurs to prevent the conversation, how do you react?

The point is this: we all have our ways of approaching situations, big and small. At times, we are pleasantly surprised by how things turn out. Other times, we find ourselves furious about the situation. It comes down to our expectations, and how we handle disappointment, especially when it comes to things that are not under our control.

I know that I speak of mindfulness often, but there's a reason. If we stay focused on the present, and do our best to be aware of how things are, instead of how we want them to be, then the possibility of disappointment is greatly reduced. We also need to detach from our desires for getting our way, or ensuring that the "best" case scenario is the one that happens.

For my husband, once he got over his anger at us for being upset at his behavior, he was able to take a step back and admit what was driving his behavior. He was so very scared and anxious, he couldn't control himself, or begin to enjoy the moment. He was so determined that his family have a great time during the fantastic vacation he planned, he didn't realize he was demanding our happiness. Likewise, I had to take a very close look at my behaviors in anticipation of and during our vacations. I expected him to be crazy, so I would have anxiety attacks for the 24 hours before we initially left for vacation – my stress drove his through the roof, and I was (quite honestly) pretty unbalanced myself. During vacations, I was so spooked, I was trying to read his mind, and in the absence of information, was assigning the most pathological drivers to every word he spoke. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it?

The upshot is that we both had to change. We both had to be willing to let go of expectations, or of creating the "perfect" moments for others. We had to allow that things could and would go wrong, that the kids might be more interested in watching tv than running around an amusement park, or that flights might get cancelled because pilots called in sick. The hardest part for me was letting go of my assumptions that he was incapable of change. The hardest part for him was letting go of his need to be a hero and to be responsible for others' happiness.

In any relationship, there are two sides. Each of us has thoughts, opinions, ideas, and each of us changes with every day. The hard part is letting go of our attachment to outcome, letting go of our ideas of "perfect", and allowing what happens to happen. Each of us has had our heart broken, our hopes dashed, our worries shown as baseless, and our illusions shattered. Each of us has also had the experience at times that when things don't work out the way we hoped or planned, something much better occurred as a result. It didn't always seem that way at the time, but it sure worked out that way in the end.

Going back to the movie, the hero doesn't get the girl. She tells him honestly throughout the relationship that she isn't looking for a relationship, nor does she want to be his girlfriend. The moment she realizes that he has far more invested emotionally than she does, she dumps him. He is devastated, and then has his hopes renewed after a chance encounter leads to a day together. His hopes are subsequently dashed again, and he is forced to see the reality of the situation. Eventually, we see him meeting someone new, and the possibilities of life once again opening up for him.

I saw her point of view, and my husband saw his. Does this make him a hopeless romantic, and me an emotionally distant shrew incapable of true love? Maybe. It doesn't matter, though. Each of us is an individual, and each of us is allowed to have a point of view, and to be true to our selves. In the end, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? No one but you can control your feelings or reactions. Likewise, you have no control over the feelings or reactions of others. That simple truth can be incredibly freeing.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do

Sharon.

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