If You Like Pina Coladas

As I begin this newsletter, I am sitting at Gate B29 in Boston's Logan Airport. Up until a few moments ago, I was listening to the music put through over the PA system, and the song "If You Like Pina Coladas" was one of the few I paid attention to. If you are unfamiliar with the layout of this terminal, Gates B27, B28 and B29 are all directly in front of the security checkpoint at this end of the terminal. So, if like me, you truly enjoy people-observing, this is a real treat. You see all ranges of the human experience here as folks move slowly through security. Honestly, this place is very efficient, and the TSA agents quiet, polite, and ready with an easy smile.

This past week, I was a featured speaker at the National Guild of Hypnotist's Annual International Convention. Imagine, if you will, 2,000 hypnotists and those interested in hypnosis all traveling between hundreds of workshops and seminars. It's really inspiring. My talk was entitled "Not Tonight, I Have a Headache". I chose the topic to get people's attention. It could just have easily been entitled "If You Like Pina Coladas" and it still would have been the same presentation.

If you're like me, you're in a long-term committed relationship, and have been for some time. Or maybe, you've been there, and you're never going back; or maybe, you'd like to try again. The possibilities range from the "never tried it, never will", to the "what do you mean, some people never want to be married?" Wherever you fall is great, and there's no right or wrong to wherever you are -- it just is.

The fact of the matter is that most of us make this commitment either in our youth or in the grips of an all-consuming love, or some combination of the two. We promise to love, cherish, and honor our partners, and our commitments no matter what. At the time, we can't imagine not doing so. But, even as we get older, our bodies change, our tastes change, our abilities change, and our feelings change. We learn, we grow, and we continue to evolve. We want our partners to celebrate these changes in us, but do we celebrate the changes they go through, or resent them? Too many times, in a single session, a client will say to me, "Why doesn't he appreciate how much I've grown and changed?", and a breath later ask "What happened? I thought I knew everything about him." Even worse, I hear the deadly phrase, "People don't change."

This is simply untrue. Everything changes, constantly. Ask any theoretical physicist. Reality as we perceive it, at the subatomic level does not exist. There is no "Me" or "You." There are only potentialities.

Men often complain that their wives are trying to change them, then complain when their wives change. Women often complain that they want the security of a marriage, then complain that their husband's demands are ill-timed or inconsiderate. We are all attempting at all times to change our reality, to influence the stuff outside of us (don't believe me? Leave the air conditioning off when the temperature outside goes past one hundred degrees with no breeze and high humidity). So where does that leave us?

In the song "If You Like Pina Coladas", a man posts a personal ad, looking to find a new lover or maybe even a new love. He posts what he thinks are the perfect qualifications for the perfect woman, because he is tired of his life, his relationship, and his "old lady". In my youth, I honestly wondered what he was tired of. I imagined that it might be going to the same places all the time, or maybe hanging out with the same friends all the time, or listening to the same music, or the same sorts of things that created sincere boredom in me during my dating days.

Now, I'm sure I was wrong, or maybe I've changed. Midlife is an interesting phenomenon. I've been with my husband for nineteen years now -- married for eighteen and a half. At times, it has truly felt as if there was no mystery left: no excitement, no growth, and at times, no future. We were what we were, and it had always been that way, and always would be. He would never change, never be what I needed him to be, or what I wanted.

Yes, that sounds selfish, but it was how I felt. After all, we were both grown ups, weren't we? We had both gone to college and graduate school, were raising children together and had made our homes together (we've moved a lot). We were who we were, right? The story was told, and it was all about the downhill slide. How many of us do or have felt that way?

In the song, the man gets a response to his ad, and the woman sounds perfect. She's warm, funny, a bit adventurous, and also looking to be loved in a way she isn't at the moment. They set a date, time and place to meet, and when she sees him, she says, "Aw, it's you." Then, they laugh and realize that they have not only been taking each other for granted, they had not been seeing the person they were actually with. Their day to day lives had become routine, formerly fun activities were obligations, and life was now mundane. I choose to retain my illusion that they find a new aspect to their love and life as a result of this chance encounter.

In my own personal case, the "ah-ha" moment was quite different. My life, and my marriage, have, at times, been a challenge. Ignoring the patterns of personal choices and all the other psychiatric mumbo jumbo, just understand that it was never my fault, and always his. He was being difficult, he never listened, and no matter how much I tried to change to meet his needs, he never reciprocated (feel free to nod in understanding). I even made the mistake of working in the same company as him. Twice. Then something very surprising happened. My husband has played ice hockey for most of his life. He is extremely talented both as a player and a coach. He is also a very skilled referee. However, I never saw him in action as a referee -- I never had the inclination.

Last summer, he was asked to be part of a group refereeing a girls' hockey tournament locally. If you've never seen girls' hockey, you really need to do this. It can be a bit slower than boys, but it is much, much more vicious. What they lack in speed, they make up for in plotting and payback. A fight broke out. No less than twelve girls were slicing, hacking, swinging, punching, pulling, and otherwise attacking each other. I'm a former high school teacher, and quite frankly, you couldn't have paid me to dive into that fight and break it up. My husband, MY volatile, uptight, high-strung, argumentative, pugnacious, annoying, contrary, strong-willed husband, waded calmly into the fight, pulling players out of the fray, setting them aside, and getting to the instigating two in the middle. He hauled both of them, still swinging, towards the penalty boxes while his comrade on the ice pointed others in the same direction. Several players tried to slink back to their benches, but all twelve wound up in the penalty boxes. A few additional girls were added when they jumped on the ice to assist their friends in avoiding time out by interfering with the refs.

My husband, MY volatile, uptight, high-strung, argumentative, pugnacious, annoying, contrary, strong-willed husband, stayed calm throughout. He was cool, calm, collected, and completely in control. He was confident, competent, and very sexy. All of a sudden, this overweight man with a goofy sense of humor and the world's most annoying laugh was sexy! THIS man was attractive. I wanted to be with this man, black polyester pants and all. It took a few wearings of those pants at home for me to see this man within my husband on a regular basis. It's much easier now, thanks to all the practice since.

What happened? I shifted my perspective. I allowed myself to see the person, not the years of marriage, of frustration, of emotions, or of expectations. I allowed myself to see him clearly for the first time in years. I was so excited by this change in perspective, it allowed him to try the same with me. I mean, after all, if I could do it, so could he (have I mentioned that we also fell into the one-ups-manship trap?). There are days it is still quite a struggle to see that man in my husband, but I can force myself to remember he's there, most of the time. More importantly, I have learned to allow that he, too, has grown and changed. He, too, is no longer the young person I married. Maybe our growth patterns have not been the same, or the changes as dramatic in him as they have been in me, but he has changed as he has matured a bit.

My challenge to each of you is to find that moment when you can look at your significant other through the lens of the non-judgmental observer. Can you see that person as an individual, free of the emotional baggage that normally goes with them? Can you seek out an opportunity to see them in a way you've never seen them before? Can you allow each of you to grow and change? Change truly is the only constant in our lives, no matter how much we fight it. Find a moment of joy in your relationship with this person -- even if it is only a moment.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do

Sharon.

Hypnotherapy can help you to think healthier, happier, and more successful thoughts while adding the power of relaxation to your life. As you go through your day, you feel better and perform better.

Contact us to learn more about how hypnotherapy can you propel you toward a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.