Trust and Love

As many of you know, in August, I spoke at the National Guild of Hypnotists Convention. My topic (much to my husband's chagrin) was "Not Tonight, I have a Headache". During course of this talk, I postulated that adult relationships need many elements to survive and thrive, the keys to which are Love, Trust and Balance. This week, I was forcibly reminded of these keys when two perceived betrayals occurred. The first involved my son and his girlfriend, and the second involved my latest billet "son". It may seem strange to use two examples of youngsters to explain love, trust and adult relationships, but honestly, betrayal is betrayal, isn't it?

Well, I'm beginning to believe that the answer is yes and no. In my last newsletter, I discussed the concept of normal. There, too, I found myself needing to clarify my thoughts, beliefs, and dearly held prejudices. This week, I had to add the concept of betrayal to the list of things I needed to understand more clearly.

My son has a girlfriend. Let me rephrase. My fourteen year old son has a girlfriend. A pretty, fourteen year old girl with sparkling blue eyes, beautiful red hair and a complexion the gods would be jealous of. They call each other "girlfriend and boyfriend" but don't date, because her parents don't think she should date before she's in college. As freshmen in high school, deep in the throes of adolescent hormones, this particular restriction is not seen as a positive thing. Two days ago, my son came home, his mood utterly depressed, convinced that she was going to dump him. When pressed, he shared that she had been avoiding him somewhat the entire day, and had been less demonstrative of her affections than usual. "Mom, do you think she's going to dump me?" was asked repeatedly of me that evening.

The local NAHL (North American Hockey League) team asks for volunteer billet parents to take boys between the ages of 18 and 20 as "billet sons" through the season. We do get a bit of money for housing these kids, but let's face it, we are talking about athletes with hollow legs when it comes to the refrigerator. I have had one young man since the beginning of the practices, and he has now had two different roommates. The second one left yesterday, after being with us for under a week -- he was traded to a team closer to his home and drove to Minnesota to be there for this weekend. I know intellectually that these boys will come and go, and that their career is just beginning and that trades and sudden moves are part and parcel of the deal, but this boy was special. He was intelligent, polite, articulate, tall, easy-going, and an instant friend to both my husband and son. Given the adjectives I just used, is it any wonder that I was crushed when he suddenly had to move (and then never called to say he arrived home safely)?

In their own way, each of these situations represents a betrayal. A sudden reversal of situation that takes us by surprise, and that we are unprepared for emotionally is how most of us define the concept of betrayal. But, what makes a betrayal a betrayal, truly? The answer is our perspective. When we allow ourselves to love, we want the person receiving our love to love us back equally and with equal honesty. And this is where we get into trouble. We place our needs, our expectations as givens, and as completely understood by the other person, and we assume that their needs and expectation are the same as ours.

My most recently departed billet son was talking about an ex-girlfriend and her betrayal of their relationship. He took as a given that both of them shared common behavior expectations and commitments. I don't know for sure that she didn't share these expectations, but her behavior was contrary to his expectations and he ended the relationship. Much to my surprise, I found myself truly caring about this handsome, intense young man almost as soon as he arrived. I used to be a school teacher. I find it easy to love my students, all the while expecting that they will be in my life a very short time, and I also find it easy to let them go. Staying with me as a teacher will stifle their growth, and is a necessary step. So why did I lose my heart so completely this time? Why did it hurt so much when he left? Why didn't he call to say he arrived safely?

My son and his girlfiend talk daily for hours after her parents fall asleep (thank goodness they go to bed early). It's not that I'm excited about this habit -- quite frankly, I'd really prefer that they got sleep on a regular basis. Just before they started their evening discourse that fateful day, my son again came to me and asked, "Mom, do you think she's going to dump me?" I reiterated my assurances that she was not, and reassured him that simply asking what the problem was would solve the entire situation. I know that some of you are grinning wisely and nodding, correctly assuming that I had no confidence in the situation whatsoever. Well, as it turned out, there was a problem, but it was easily solved.

My son again asked his girlfriend what the problem was, and she started crying. He finally convinced her of his sincerity, and the depth of his feeling and that she could feel safe telling him anything. As it turned out, she was terrified to tell him the truth. She was no longer comfortable with the amount of kissing they were doing in the hallways at school and wanted to limit it to before and after school when they would not have audiences insulting them during the act. He again reassured her that this was absolutely fine with him, and her ardor was restored, as he reported to me the next afternoon (why does my fourteen year old think it's necessary to give his mother a blow by blow of his relationship?)

In my son's situation, he was convinced his love for his girlfriend had been betrayed. In my situation, I felt my own heart had betrayed me by allowing me to so quickly feel affection for someone, and I also felt betrayed that a phone call conveying a safe arrival never arrived.

But, does any one of those things truly represent a betrayal? Or, rather, did it reflect a lack of willingness to trust our hearts, our emotions, our feelings? Or, did it reflect a need to avoid pain or conflict? Without experiencing pain or conflict, none of us can grow emotionally, but none of us truly wants to feel pain. We are born expecting as much love as we give, and want only that. To not receive as much love as we give is to experience pain, disappointment... betrayal.

The challenge we face as we grow, mature, and learn is to be willing to trust that others will accept and value the love we share with them, and to allow that this will not always happen. When it doesn't happen, we can choose to learn that this, too, is okay. We experience the pain, wish the person well, and let them go. Holding on to the disappointment and or feelings of betrayal hurts only us, leading to anger, frustration, and an inability to trust. Learning to trust our own hearts is equally difficult. But, it is equally necessary.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

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Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.