Why Am I Still Lonely?

A client shared something with me recently, and I asked her permission to share it with you. No names, just a very common, but sad situation.

She's been married to the same man for many years. They've never cheated on each other. They have a family, a home, and what others see as a wonderful life. She, however, is lonely. Outside of their house, they are each known as strong, vibrant, intelligent, capable people. People express their admiration on a regular basis regarding their abilities, intelligence, generosity, love, and the relationship they share. That is, of course, outside their house. Each of them suffers from insecurity, doubts, worries, fears, and the same things every one else does. No one outside of their relationship really believes this, which hurts both of them.

She knows he loves her, but when she needs reassurance, she feels rejected. He has told her that he feels the same. Each is so accustomed to the other's strength, flexibility and ability that it is frightening when one or the other shows weakness. When he shows weakness or extreme levels of worry, she feels lost and she hides. When she shows weakness or extreme anxiety, he gets angry, which is his way of showing fear.

She came to me for weight loss. She's aware that she is an emotional eater, and she had realized that she needed to stop sabotaging herself in her desire to lose the fifty pounds she's gained over the last twenty years. She doesn't feel that she needs to lose all fifty pounds -- she's the first to admit that she was underweight when she first got married. She'd be thrilled with thirty pounds, and ecstatic if she lost forty pounds. So, we're working on the weight loss, and in addition, working on how she deals with her feelings about her relationship.

How many of us have fallen into the trap of believing that our happiness is guaranteed if we find our soul mate, or a spouse, or have children, or get the right degrees, or the right jobs? We are all told throughout our lives that dreams come true, and there is one true love for everyone, and that if we just keep on trying, things will be better. We're always reaching for the brass ring, striving to improve ourselves, or dreaming of a better future.

What happened to loving ourselves? What happened to liking who we are? Why are these things so difficult? How many of us can't remember liking who we were or ever finding anything worth liking about ourselves?

For my client, her first steps included taking a look at herself, her assumptions about herself and her assumptions about her relationship. Before she could start losing weight, she needed to discover why she had gained weight, and why she wanted to lose it. The answer to both, uncovered during hypnosis, was that she was lonely.

The answer to this situation is so simple, and yet so difficult. Love, acceptance, respect, and admiration all must start from within the individual. If we don't find ourselves worthy of these things from ourselves, we can't hope to find them coming to us from someone else. I know so many of us heard from well-meaning parents, friends, relatives and others that no one will love us unless we love ourselves, but how many of those well-meaning people then followed up with meaningful, practical advice?

Learning to love yourself means starting with allowing, respecting, and patience. Think of someone you respect and love. Would you cruelly imply that they were fat and therefore less than worthy of love? Or, would you see the best in them and seek to get them to understand those aspects of themselves. Try to see yourself as a trusted friend and confidant would, or even a respected peer or mentor. Find opportunities to understand how they truly see you (not what you assume they think or believe). Invariably, it will be far more positive than anything you can imagine.

Once you've got that perspective, start step two. Every evening, take a quiet moment to yourself, and go outside and simply allow yourself to express gratitude. Start with your continued breathing -- you could say "Thank you for the gift of continuing to breathe." Then, you can find more and more to say "thank you" for in your life. Honestly, I learned to do this during a very difficult phase of my life, characterized by a persistent lack of employment. After two years, when that particular hurdle had been surmounted, I was so used to expressing my gratitude on a daily basis, it never stopped. I had so much more to be thankful for, it became easier each day.

Finally, step three. Learn to look yourself in the eye (using a mirror, of course), and honestly find something, and eventually someone, to love. Catch yourself doing things right, and learn to say "I love you" to that person in the mirror, honestly, authentically and with respect.

The more you are able to do this, the more you are able to see others' problems and anger as theirs, not yours. It also becomes easier to detach yourself emotionally and physically from toxic situations, and to understand how others' pain is affecting them. It doesn't mean you condone or encourage toxic behavior on their behalf -- you just learn to minimize its effect on you and your psyche. If you, like my client, are in a committed relationship that has toxic effects on your life, and that partner truly loves you and wants the relationship to continue, then changes can and will occur in both of you that are positive and real. These changes come only if you, and your partner, are willing to allow them.

The client? She's losing weight, slowly. She'd like to lose weight faster, but she's now aware of the other changes necessary in her life that will ensure the weight will stay off, once lost. She's lost and regained up to thirty pounds at a time before. This time, she wants the changes to be real and persistent. As she learns to love herself, and to see her husband's issues as his own, she slowly is creating her new reality and her new physical expression of that reality.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

Hypnotherapy can help you to think healthier, happier, and more successful thoughts while adding the power of relaxation to your life. As you go through your day, you feel better and perform better.

Contact us to learn more about how hypnotherapy can you propel you toward a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.