But That's Not What I Meant!

My dog was attacked by the neighbor dog last Friday. She lost a tip from an ear, and got some gashes on her muzzle and neck. She's fine -- although over eight years old, she's got the constitution and healing ability of a three year old dog. Whose fault is this? The dogs have encountered each other before, but under very controlled circumstances. My border collie is an only dog, and firmly believes that she is the dominant dog in whatever situation she finds herself in. This has gotten her in trouble in the past, on two occasions. In all three cases, she tried to establish dominance over a larger male dog. In this case, two weeks ago, my border collie and my neighbor's pit bull (an only dog until recently) were allowed to sniff each other, and suddenly the growls began. The two dogs were immediately separated (my husband was with her at the time), and no more thought was given to the incident. After all, this was not an unusual occurrence in this day and age of singleton dogs.

Then, that Friday, while I was helping out at the State Fair, the pit bull was tied to the tree in the neighbor's front yard. My dog was in my yard, kept in by our electric fence, when the pit bull got loose and charged her. By the time my son got outside, the dogs had been separated by the neighbor's baby sitter, and my dog was bleeding. Still, in my opinion at the time, it fell into the no harm done category, because she was quickly treated and everything was fine (other than her now being very needy). The scary thing happened yesterday. The pit bull obviously is still pissed off, and got loose again. He charged at the dog and me -- I physically threw my dog back in the house and slammed the door as he got into my garage. My husband went out (armed with a hockey stick), and chased the dog home, and got the neighbor's babysitter to put him back inside.

Normally, the pit bull is in their back yard, hidden from view behind a six foot fence. However, they're getting a pool dug and installed, so he can't be allowed near the workers or equipment. Before yesterday, it never occurred to me that this could pose even a small problem. I also realize that this is a short term issue, since the construction will be completed soon. All of this stress because dogs can't be reasoned with...

But now this brings me to the topic of this week's newsletter: How often are we like this in our relationships? We assume we know what's going on, and that others know what we mean to communicate, and that we understand what others mean to communicate.

My often maligned husband falls prey to this. More than once, I've had to smooth ruffled feathers, and sooth raw nerves because something he said or did was misunderstood as an attack by the person to whom he was speaking. When I try to explain to him what happened, he often will get angry with me, and insist that the misunderstanding is the other person's fault. His thought is that if they just tried harder to understand him and his needs, there never would have been a problem. If, on the other hand, he misunderstands what I say to him, it's my fault (just ask him).

What's the right answer?

Well, the root of the problem is this: it takes two to communicate. Someone presents information, and someone receives it. None of us, however, always hears exactly what's said. We filter the information received based on our personal history, expectations, culture, age, and mood. This is even more true when we have a relationship with the presenter of the information. Now, the moods, the history, and the expectations play an even more important role. As a result, it becomes even more difficult for the presenter of the information to provide clear information that can be received and understood as it was intended.

Before you turn, point to your spouse or significant other and go "Hah! I told you so!", let me point out that each person has a responsibility in each of the giving and receiving of the information. The presenter has to try their best to provide easily understood information, and the receiver has to try their best to understand what the presenter means. It's actually easier when you aren't dealing with friends or loved ones. In those situations, you have to assume the other person has no idea what you're talking about. (Note to readers: this is where I turn to my spouse and say "Hah! I told you so!") If you don't, and they don't understand what you said, it is your fault. If, on the other hand, you are getting information from someone you don't know, and aren't willing to do the work it takes to understand them fully, then it's your fault.

But what do we do when it's someone we love (at least some of the time)? The answer, sadly, is that many of us simply get lazy. We know these people -- we know their bad habits, their good habits, their great moods, and their lousy moods. We also know how we feel about them at any given moment, and what we expect they'll find important at any given moment.

What, then, happens? Well, we assume that they have either gotten our message clearly, or that we know what they really meant when they said whatever it was that they said to us. The truth? It's rare that anyone ever gets things completely correct. Few, if any of us, can truly read minds. Few, if any of us, can completely detach emotionally from a situation when dealing with or speaking to a significant other.

So then, what's the solution? Using vernacular from my youth, we cut them some slack. Cultivate your ability to give yourself permission to allow that you may not understand what is being said to you, and learn to ask politely for clarification. Cultivate your ability to politely explain what you mean when someone else takes umbrage at your language. We've all heard the admonition "do unto others as you would have done unto you" -- this is what it truly means. If you want to be understood, actively seek to understand. Eventually, others around you will follow your example and grant you the same consideration. Try this, and let me know what your results were.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

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