Giving Until It Hurts

I'm reading an incredibly illuminating book, "Codependent No More". All other thoughts aside, there are many lessons in this book for many of us, myself included. Most importantly, the issue of self-sacrifice keeps coming up in my mind, both from a personal and societal level.

I had a client this week who spoke to me of her now-ended marriage. She has been divorced for nearly ten years, and yet still longs for her ex-husband, and the relationship that should have been. During the course of her marriage, she gave and gave and gave. She worked a full-time job, picked up a part-time job when their combined spending habits got them into trouble, raised their four children, and stuck with him through a series of affairs. She also acknowledges that she, too, made many mistakes throughout the marriage, and that there were things she could have done in a more healthy manner. She came to me asking me to get him out of her head. She wanted to stop obsessing on her loss, and on that which should have been.

How many of us fall into the giving trap in our relationships? We take up with folks that need us to fix them, to take care of them, to make their lives easier, help them give up drugs or alcohol, or to make them happy because they never really have been in their lives. We sacrifice our health, our happiness, our lives for their benefit, allowing their every whim to dictate our actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings.

Why do we do this? The reasons are varied and extremely personal. It could be a lack of self-esteem, or being an adult child of alcoholics, or a need for acceptance, or a lack of self-love, or many other things. It could simply also be the way we were raised -- many of us received and internalized the message that it is better to give than to receive. Or, we may have been told that worrying about our own needs was selfish, or was a rejection of God's lessons. We may not even know why we do this, and resent that anyone would even think to ask why we do what we do. We may even feel that we will receive a greater reward in the ever after if we engage in these behaviors.

This begs the question: whose needs are more important? Yours or those of someone else? Before you give your knee-jerk reaction that has immediately arisen, I ask you to be patient and continue reading. Some of you will have reacted with anger, saying that those in your life need you to take care of them. Some of you will have reacted with sadness, saying that your life is unbearable because of your loneliness because no one understands what you are going through. Some of you will remember that you used to be this way. And, finally, some of you will ask how to stop the cycle.

Remember that my job here is not to condemn or to condone. It's to help you decide on what is in your best and highest interest, and to allow you to remove the obstacles on your path to achieving it. The question I want you to seriously consider at this moment is this: "How do you continue to give when you have destroyed yourself in the process?" The answer is, necessarily, that you can't.

When you have depleted your stores of energy, enthusiasm, and strength, there is nothing left. We find ourselves angry, frustrated and even resenting those we love for needing us, even as we have encouraged them to depend upon us for everything. We are born to experience, and to grow through experience. As babies, we come into the world knowing only love and the joy that each moment can and often does bring. The satisfaction of having our basic needs met is enough for us. As we get older, we learn the satisfaction of learning to solve our own problems so that we may move on to a new, more challenging lesson. When we sacrifice everything for someone else, we not only prevent them from working through their individual growth, we cause our own to stop. We, too, have needs, desires and lessons that must be understood, met and worked through. If we stop our growth to help others, and in turn, stifle their growth, we have done everyone, especially ourselves, a great disservice.

Think about those you love. What would happen if you were hit by a bus tomorrow? Would they keep on keeping on or would their world end without you there to support them? Very little in life requires extreme action, and yet we find ourselves reacting to every moment as if someone's life depended on it. Their needs, their lives, their decisions control us, and every aspect of our lives. Would you allow them to perish through your inactivity? Then why are you allowing your soul to wither on the vine in service of their needs. It is time to stop, take a deep breath and think before you react. It is time to allow them to make choices and suffer the consequences. It is time to honor your body, your mind and your soul through your thoughts, actions and deeds. You would not have been entrusted with any of these gifts if you were expected to ignore or destroy them.

Allow yourself a moment in any situation to assess your options, and to carefully select the best, not the most convenient, or one that represents the biggest sacrifice on your part. Select to do only that which is necessary, not anticipating needs, not reading minds, not doing something to make someone else happy. That's your first step, and with every repetition of this action, it becomes more and more natural, and our relationships with others mature and grow in ways we never thought possible.

As I'm always telling my clients, examine everything thing in terms of Obligation vs Option. What do you do for because you feel you have to? What do you really want to do? Simplify your life, and allow yourself the luxury of honoring your self and your needs. Create your own joy and revel in it without getting angry at others for needing you. Allow them to fail or succeed on their own terms and celebrate successes with them without taking on unnecessary guilt when they fail.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection and planning when the mood strikes. It's your money, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

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Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.