Giving Selfishly

Yesterday, I listened in on a conversation between two of my friends. The discussion led to questioning our collective ideas on generosity, giving and receiving. At issue was a lady who gives and gives and gives. Her health is precarious, and yet she pushes herself unceasingly. Even when asked not to give, her response it that she must, since that is how she was raised.

I thought this would be an interesting topic for the newsletter, but hesitated. Who am I to question others' motives? Then, this morning on CNN, I listened to a plea from a seasoned disaster aid worker that well-meaning volunteers please stay away from Haiti unless specifically recruited.

My sister-in-law, the physician, has been in town helping me with my husband during his hospital stay and is continuing to help now that he's home. While watching CNN, she was explaining the intricacies of disaster preparedness and response and the training that the preferred responders undergo. She, herself, while trained, had been told that as a family physician she wasn't needed on the ground in Haiti and to instead recruit other specialists.

Is it better to simply provide what you think is needed, based on your abilities and lifetime experiences or to ask someone you don't know or trust yet for what they think is needed?

As I thought about this subject, my mind drifted to many different places, mostly centered on giving, donations, and providing service to others.

When I was a Girl Scout leader, we decided on the local women's domestic violence shelter as our primary charity of choice. We tossed about ideas of what we could provide them, then I called to verify that our assumptions about their needs were accurate. They were not. Since we had not yet started our collection efforts, this was an easy recovery in terms of effort, but I wondered how often this shelter had taken donations for items they simply didn't need.

Likewise, I have friends who feel very strongly that their mission in life is to live in service to others, now that they are comfortably retired. As a group, they will select an improverished area, usually in Mexico, and go there and build small houses and schools. I am well aware that these things are needed, but are they truly addressing the underlying needs of these people?

How often do we provide assistance to others based on what we assume they need?

Certainly, I can identify areas of burnout that I was suffering due to my husband's illness that resulted from overextending myself in his service. In light of these thoughts, however, was I actually doing what was needed, or were my actions telling him his needs were secondary to what I decided was best for him?

Was I, too, a selfish giver?

In business, the rule always is "see a need, fill it" as the primary business development model. I truly believe in this, and this belief was reinforced during my education (I have an MBA). Interestingly enough, when intending to give from the heart, we do the same thing: we look for a need we can fill. But do we pause to ask ourselves if the help we wish to offer is desired? preferred? wanted?

How easy is it to resent someone for whom we give of ourselves and do not perceive a sense of thanks? How easy is it to brush off protestations of lack of need? How often do we hide behind the concept that it is better to give than receive?

Are we willing to let others help us to the level at which we insist on helping them?

Truly, it is our mission as humans in this lifetime to share, and grow and celebrate each other. Perhaps giving what is needed in love and appreciation is all that we should seek to achieve. Perhaps learning to understand our own needs first is the key to giving generously without demanding response, admiration, appreciation or recognition.

Perhaps honoring others as we wish to be honored is the key to success in service to others.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

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