In With the In Crowd

As some of you know, I'm the chairperson of a small Irish Dance organization. What you may not know is that typically, Irish dance organizations are particularly possessive of their members. I realized this fact this week when I noticed that a school about to join our organization will still be part of another organization when they become members. This doesn't bother me in the least, nor does it worry my fellow officers. It will, however, greatly upset the other (soon to be former) organization. I've encountered this sort of possessiveness in different types of organizations throughout my life, and in people.

"I can be your friend, but if I am, I can't be anyone else's friend." Remember those days from grammar school and high school? Why are these clique-style behaviors also found as characteristics of adult organizations? Why do we tolerate or even encourage them?

For years, I didn't tell my family that I was no longer a part of the largest Irish dance organization in the world. I was afraid of their reaction -- I followed my heart, instead of continuing to do as I was expected. While this may have been immature of me, it reflected my concerns about their reaction. Am I simply naiive, expecting that all who share a common interest can belong to any or every organization that relates to that interest? Or, is it simply reality that we all seek to belong to something that makes us special through its inherent exclusivity?

How about you? Do you follow your heart, your passion, or do you do only that which you believe is expected of you? And, when you do follow your passion, do you hide it from those you love to avoid their judgment?

There are many reasons we may stifle our passion in the interests of fitting in more neatly. Memberships in organizations, churches and social groups also demand certain implied behavioral contracts to which we must adhere. Likewise, employment places upon us certain implied behavioral contracts to which we must adhere. When young, we resist these demands, and seek to assert ourselves. But eventually, if we desire to remain within the fold, we fold.

We gaze upon those who refuse to conform and feel guilt, pity, shame or envy. We wonder if living like them would be freeing or isolating. We worry that those who judge us and our adherence to the behavioral contracts will find out that we are gazing upon these non-members and cast us out, too.

Let's be honest -- being friends with the right people opens amazing doors. We can take our careers, interests, and even our lives to the next level with the proper connections. Honestly, if the Dalai Lama showed up at your door and offered his hand in friendship, would you refuse? But what happens when you are demanded to sacrifice parts of you to fit in with the crowd to which you aspire? What do you do when in order to fit in, you must be someone else?

For many of us, the social, peer and economic pressures are too great. We will sacrifice nearly anything to take advantage of certain opportunities. Sometimes, the rewards far outweigh the demands. Other times, they result in a far better new life than that which we had before. And yet other times, we wish we could rewind and try again.

In my own life, the first time I had to make the choice between my current life and the chance at something new, I procrastinated for over a year. Finally, I took the leap, and the results were nothing less than amazing. Rather than limiting my options by leaving everything and everyone behind, I was able to create something incredible that lead to a far richer life than I might otherwise have had. Another time, I sided politically with the Chief Operating Officer of a company, who left me stripped and flapping in the wind when the chips were laid down. She lost the political battle -- I lost my job.

How do you know how to choose the groups to which you belong? Is it determined by their clothing? their possessions? their beliefs? their demands? Or is it determined by how you feel, deep in your heart, about the group? Are you desperate to belong, or does the thought of belonging make you sing with joy?

How do you choose?

I've learned the hard way that if something makes you feel like you're sneaking around, it's not the best choice for your soul in the long run. Nor is it the best choice if you feel you must sacrifice your ethics, morals, or joy, no matter what the finanical reward. If you can't live with being that person, why would you choose to be them?

In the end, it's all about being able to look in the mirror and smile proudly at that person, reveling in the results of the choices. It's about being honest to yourself. It's about being true to your heart.

And isn't that exactly how the in crowd should make you feel?

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

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