Just recently, I accidentally started a game with my Facebook friends. My day had taken a trying turn, and I needed to vent my frustration without ruining everyone else's day. My post was "Have I mentioned I hate the 'V' word?" To my amusement, and to that of many of my friends, the merriment ensued.
Seventeen posts later, I 'fessed up to one of the meanings I ascribe to the "V" word -- vacation. Traditionally, since I've been married, they have been associated with stress, misunderstandings, arguments and general levels of strife. Worse yet, after these outbreaks, I would storm off, crying and miserable, feeling like a victim.
And that, dear friends, is the "V" word I really meant. The feeling that others have control of our emotions, our reactions, and/or our world. The feeling that we are helpless to effect change within our own lives. The feeling that no matter what we do, it just is never enough. The feeling that we are a trapped, powerless victim.
Have you felt these feelings? I don't anymore, I realized, and this is the gift I wish to share with you today.
For years in my marriage, my husband had control of my reactions. He knew every button to push, every phrase that would set me off, and he used them effectively. We worked with marriage counselors, and individual therapists on our relationships and on ourselves. Then, one kindly lady pointed out (right after he set me off in front of her) that we obviously had landmines in our relationship.
She defined landmines as those areas of discussion to which we seem to react uncontrollably or far out of proportion to the stated meaning. It's those topics where we "just know" what the other person means -- and it's never anything nice.
Once we started paying attention to our conversations, not only did we start catching these landmines, we could then acknowledge when one was hit. We agreed to stop when we felt the unreasonable anger jump up and start demanding attention, and to say "This is a landmine for me. I'm walking away." More importantly, the one who was walking away had to be let to do so. We both started employing this tactic, and discovered that we could return to the conversation and continue logically (albeit some days this resumption occurred more quickly than others).
Eventually, we found and defused many of our landmines. So much so that we often forget that we even went through this exercise. But it took a lot of work, and a great deal of commitment on both of our parts. Don't get me wrong, we still have the unerring ability to drive eachother nuts. And this brings me back to my story: he demanded something I simply couldn't bring myself mentally pull myself together to do. He wanted to leave for a movie that started in ten minutes. I, on the other hand, was in the process of putting together two bills that had to be mailed that day, and a box that needed to be shipped. I wanted to get these to the post office before noon to guarantee everything had Saturday's post mark.
He saw me as unreasonable and got very angry. I, in turn, saw him as unreasonable and stomped out, mail in hand, since he had refused to get to the movie theater during the commercials and previews that precede every movie. But, did he create my bad mood? Did I have to stay mad?
Of course not. I made my decision. Rather than sit in the room, and listen to him vent his frustration, I left and went to the post office, and accomplished my goals. He took a nap. Both of us cooled down, and he apologized first. We both acknowledged what in the others' behavior had upset us, and that each of us in our own way had been unreasonable.
So, how do you try to reach this place of no longer being a victim? Surely, it can't be easy. After all, most couples' problems have been building up for years, and the behaviors entrenched.
Actually, it can be pretty easy, but there are a number of conditions that must be met.
Now that I look at that list, I realize that the key is that both people in the relationship have to commit to changing. Without a medical diagnosis, simply stating "But she/he is crazy!" is never an acceptable reason to be hurtful to them. Think about it: why would you even want to be in a relationship based on hurt? Why would you want to be in a relationship that makes you miserable? Why put up with the status quo when you can change anything or everything?
Why be a victim in your own life?
Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.
And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.
Sharon.
Hypnotherapy can help you to think healthier, happier, and more successful thoughts while adding the power of relaxation to your life. As you go through your day, you feel better and perform better.
Contact us to learn more about how hypnotherapy can you propel you toward a healthier, happier lifestyle.
Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.
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When you read this essay, could you find parallels in your own life? The first challenge for you this week is to catch yourself getting angry or upset with someone for "making" you feel miserable, angry or happy. Then, walk away from those feelings, and the situation that caused them. Remind yourself that you are responsible for your own feelings, and then do one nice (non-caloric) thing for yourself.
Unleash your inner divinity! If you were a God/Goddess, you would be the one creating havoc, not the one submitted to its ebb and flow. Using your powers, create an invisible wall around yourself that nothing hurtful can penetrate. Allow the waves of others' emotions to wash up against them, then drain away. How do you feel after doing this?
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Phone: 217-381-3822 Email: CoachSharon@SpringfieldHypnosis.net Address: Springfield Hypnosis & Personal Coaching 1275 Wabash Avenue Springfield, IL 62712 |
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Do you sometimes feel like you're trapped within your own life? A victim of your circumstances? Read today's essay, and try the Inner Realization Work in the right margin, and see if your attitude changes.
