Coach Sharon's Newsletters for 2010

Try a Little Forgiveness

Recently, a number of my colleagues, friends and neighbors have been impacted by adverse events that have negatively affected their lives in very significant ways. In one case, this overflowed into my family's life. In all cases, each of those involved has struggled with their feelings towards those who caused the harm, and the anger that lingers.

One colleague, a devout Christian, has suffered for nearly five years with headaches, muscle pain and physical debilitation due to a car crash caused by a teenaged girl. Worse yet, his own teenaged daughter, who had been a passenger in the car the day of the crash, suffers from learning disabilities caused by the head trauma she received in the accident. How, as a parent, do you face yourself day after day knowing that your child will never be the same? How do you stop blaming yourself? How can you ever move on?

My mother knew how to hold a grudge, as we all do, and there were times that I would wish that she could just let things go. But was she any different than anyone else? Was she better off because she was honest with herself about her lingering anger? Was it the expectations of others that she should "just let it go" or "get over it" that was frustrating her? Are we, as humans, required to relive our transgressions daily?

How do you forgive others when you can't forgive yourself?

As a consulting hypnotist, I work with clients on helping them identify their goals, and then helping them identifying what in their life blocks their success. Using hypnosis, we then clear those mental blocks, both conscious and subconscious, allowing the client to effortlessly achieve their goals. My colleague's case is absolutely typical of what I encounter daily in my office. His presenting problems were the pain, lingering physical and mental issues, and exhaustion. At the convention, he worked with a good friend of mine (I introduced them for this purpose), and we all discussed the results.

To his horror, some of the issues were being caused by his ongoing and unrecognized anger towards the young lady who caused the accident. His religious beliefs require him to forgive, and yet he had remained tormented because he had in no way forgiven her -- and as a result, could never forgive himself. How do you forgive yourself for a hatred that is forbidden by your religion? How can you possibly move past that guilt?

I mentioned my mother because even though she took her ability to hold a grudge with her to the grave, this was actually healthier than my colleague's reaction. She was absolutely honest about her feelings, and made few attempts to hide them. Sure, this caused some stress and anxiety for those around her, but she never pretended to anyone or to herself that she forgave someone for a transgression that crossed her line in the sand. If they messed up, and she found it unforgiveable, then that was that. When it came to her children, fortunately, there was an expiration date on the anger, but not for others who where foolish enough to hurt those she loved. For them, there was no escape.

When I was younger, I thought she was absolutely wrong. After all, the priests, ministers and holy folks all said to forgive others, to pray for them, and to know that their judgment would come from higher hands. But honestly, there are people and actions I don't want to forget, and will never let back into my life.

Remember that contractor I mentioned a few weeks ago? He's a perfect example. He is a sweet, hardworking, honest young man, and I can not say enough good things about him as a handyman. On the other hand, the poor guy has been trying desperately to find it in his heart to forgive his girlfriend, who has been helping raise his children. This week, she crossed a few lines that even he can't forgive, after years of periodic egregious actions. Without compromising the ongoing police investigations, I can honestly say that if it were me, I'd never forgive her or let her back into my life. Yes, I'd find it in my heart to pray for her and for her to find peace and a better life (eventually), but I'd never allow her near my home or family again.

Should he forgive her and let her back into his life? Should he just let bygones be bygones? Or should he be honest with himself about the ongoing betrayal and let her move on to a new phase in her life? Should anyone but him have input into the decision? After six years of love and struggle, any decision he makes will be hard on him, but he has the support of friends, family and the local law enforcement.

Hatred is a poisonous emotion, but it is part of the normal, natural human experience. It is our sign that something significant has gone wrong, and while we shouldn't let it consume us and allow us to destroy lives, it should act as our signal that we need to stop. Anger can be used to help us identify where we need to make changes in our lives, to help us identify where our weak spots are, and to help us understand ourselves better. After all, we typically get angry with others for percevied harm caused to ourselves or to those we love. Rather than feel guilt or more anger for experiencing this natural feeling, we can use it to identify our weak spots or our unnoticed prejudices.

The next time you feel hatred or intense anger, stop and try to roll back the clock and see what led up to the emotion. Understanding what causes you anger or hatred will give you the power over whether you place yourself in that situation again. If being near a certain person causes you to become someone you hate, then stop going there. Now, if this is your spouse or their family, then you will absolutely need the help of an outside counselor, but if this is just a co-worker, then simply avoid them. Stop dwelling on them and their transgressions, stop obsessing on their behaviors and slights, and no longer live in this house of pain. Likewise, if you find others avoiding you or swiftly changing topics, then perhaps you need to take a new look at your feelings.

I have a friend who is truly angry with another friend of mine. The first friend professes love and publicly wishes that a reconciliation will happen. And yet, she spreads rumors and gossip about the second friend, then wonders why the second friend will not speak to her or do more than acknowledge her presence. I am loath to end either friendship, but like other mutual friends of these two people, I hate talking to either of them because the situation is invariably raised. In this case, the second friend is honest about her anger, but the first friend insists there is no anger or upset. Until honesty is achieved, no healing or growth can occur.

And this is the point of this article. When you encounter anger or hatred within yourself, face it honestly and know it. Healing can not happen until we are honest with ourselves, nor can we move on from painful situations unless we confront these ugly aspects of our own personalities. We can not let go of what we deny.

Until we are willing to forgive ourselves for our transgressions, we can not truly forgive others for theirs. And, until we are honest with ourselves about our feelings, we can not always identify the source of our physical ailments or even relax when alone.

Allow yourself to be patient and to be true to yourself. Remember to take at least five minutes every day to simply be by yourself and breathe. Allow yourself to indulge in a moment of thought, reflection, and planning when the mood strikes. It's your life, your choice. Allow yourself to simply succeed on your own terms, to live in peace, abundance, and joy. One day, one decision at a time, remaining aware of your choices and your feelings. You CAN get there.

And, as always, if you need help, I'm available. It's what I do, and it's what I love to do.

Sharon.

Hypnotherapy can help you to think healthier, happier, and more successful thoughts while adding the power of relaxation to your life. As you go through your day, you feel better and perform better.

Contact us to learn more about how hypnotherapy can you propel you toward a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, in any form, does not diagnose, treat or cure mental or emotional problems, and is not a substitute for other professional help.